I slowly opened my eyes and was immediately met by his gaze. For a moment we just stared at each other in silence. Finally, I smiled and asked him ‘How long have you been watching me?’ He didn’t give an answer, only smiled in return…
I rolled over onto my back and looked out of the window. The sun was shining bright through the blinds. It had to be at least 10 o’clock.
We had slept in.
Memories of the night before flooded my mind. We stayed up all night laughing and talking and just enjoying each other’s company. It had truly been a wonderful night.
The warmth of his hand grabbing mine broke me from my thoughts. ‘Stay in bed baby, I’ll get us some breakfast going and we can enjoy it together.’ He flashed that killer smile at me and headed towards the kitchen.
I propped myself up on my elbows and watched him as he worked. Quiet, yet diligent. Out of nowhere, he stopped and glanced at me. A sly grin crept across his face. ‘Alexa, play…’ Suddenly, music spilled into every room of our home. He was dancing and swaying to the music while I held back my laugh. This was what happiness felt like.
Outside, the world was not so happy.
My eyes landed on the papers stacked on the bedside table. “‘MANDATORY 14 DAY QUARANTINE’ They were my husband’s official orders. We were home and enjoying special time together, but we were in quarantine. The world was in a state of what could only be explained as pure chaos. I shifted my gaze from the papers to my husband, who was now loudly singing to our puppy as he prepared bacon.
Regardless of the circumstances, I was blessed to be spending so much time with the love of my life. I threw my legs over the side of the bed and headed up the hallway, eager to join in on the fun. This was going to be a long couple of weeks and I planned on enjoying every minute. I had never been more excited to be in lockdown.
A loud cough echoed through the hospital corridor. Then came another. And another. It felt like a scene out of a movie. Something was going on. Something was wrong. This felt like war. The enemy was invisible but it had arrived nonetheless. I wrapped my stethoscope around my neck and adjusted my ponytail. It was time to fight.
The slow and steady beep of the ventilator pulled me from my thoughts. I knew that sound. Even in my dreams. I knew all of the sounds. They haunted me. By now, I could program an IV pump with my eyes closed.
I glanced over at the isolation cart in the hallway. It was just a small cart filled with medical supplies but it represented so much more. It was almost as if it stood there looming, watching, waiting.
A keeper of the unknown.
The air smelled of antiseptic and freshly laundered linens. It was normally a welcomed smell. A comforting reminder of the cleanliness that surrounded me. Today, it represented so much more. My tennis shoes made the slightest squeak against the buffed floor as I made my way over, one foot in front of the other.
I began to clothe myself for battle.
One arm at a time, I pulled the gown over my shoulders. Little paper bags stood in a huddle in the corner. I read the names one by one in my head. All soldiers at the ready. My eyes landed on the one that had my name written across the front and I reached inside. My fingers traced the edge of the mask that lie before me. I had never quite realized its value before. Cradling it in my gloved hands, I took a moment to appreciate it.
Then came a cough. A wet one. A cry for help.
In what felt like one smooth motion, I had secured my mask at the nose and the ears. I moved so quickly that I felt wind beneath my gown.
I stepped into the room and closed the door behind me.
My patient lie still in bed, a look on his face that could only be described as a mixture of worry and distress. I adjusted his oxygen and reassured him with deep breaths.
He reached for my hand and I took his in mine. In that moment, I was the only support that he had. I didn’t want him to feel afraid. He drifted off to sleep with me standing there, still holding my hand.
I glanced at the television and saw the words GLOBAL PANDEMIC roll across the bottom of the screen.
It was my first time returning to the beach. The last time I was here, I had my husband at my side. Hand in hand. Heart in Heart. Now I stood alone before the wide open sea. The water beckoned for me, pulling me from my thoughts. The time for healing was now...
I stepped into the ocean and allowed it to envelope me. The blue green water was clear like crystals and just as sparkly. Where had I seen this green before? It took only a moment for me to realize. His eyes! The water was green like his eyes! Clear. Welcoming. Honest. Instantly, I felt his presence. I closed mine and smiled, standing right there at the edge of the sea. Time had made me resilient. Prayer had made me stronger. My support system had made me confident.
The air was so fresh. It was almost as if the atmosphere was different. I inhaled deeply. Each breath I took seemed to make me feel more liberated. I walked along the edge where the sea met the sand. Funny how it always stopped just in time. Life could be that way. Never quite bringing more than you can handle. Coming so close that for a moment you think it might overwhelm you, then it backs away.
In the beginning, I had allowed myself a period of time for sadness. A natural emotion to be expressed. Regardless of how anyone else felt I should be acting, I knew it was important to be myself. Yes, I missed my husband. The man that I spent countless hours and days with. The man that I loved so dearly. The man that made me feel as though I could do anything. To have that suddenly ripped away from me, regardless of the fact that it would not be permanent, was destined to cause some emotions. We didn’t even get to say a proper goodbye. Of course I was sad.
That was in the beginning. Now, I was ready to heal. What better place than the wide open sea? The place where everything had started? I had always felt so free at the beach. The sun was shining bright in the sky. Children were laughing and splashing in the water nearby. I almost didn’t realize that I was still standing there smiling. Things were looking up.
I had spoken to my husband. I had developed a strong routine. I had visited with family and gotten enough support to last a lifetime. I had leaned on my faith and left the rest to GOD. The initial shock had passed. I wanted to be strong for him, for me. I needed to. I looked back at the ocean and smiled. I was ready to tell my story.
I reached over to check my phone before bed. My heart dropped when I saw the words “Breaking News” flash across the screen. It was trending. Two simple words that could mean so much to my life. I quickly reached for my Bible with one hand as I shakily pressed for the update with my other…
That first night without him was the hardest. Sleeping alone. He had given me a crash course on exactly what to do to protect myself if necessary although we had both prayed it wouldn’t be. Lock the door. Open it for no one. Call mom if you need anything. I knew the drill. I stood at the entryway to the bedroom, almost afraid to go in. It suddenly looked so huge. My eyes drifted down. There they were on the floor next to the bed, his slippers. I sat down and slid my feet in one by one, smiling at the warmth they provided. Behind me, his pillow looked too inviting not to try. Laying my cheek against it, I deeply inhaled. It smelled like him. That strong yet gentle scent that I had grown to love so much.
The bed seemed to swallow me without him at my side. So much space. Too much space. I laid there staring at his pillow, enjoying fond memories of the late night intimate talks we loved to share. Before l knew it, I had fallen asleep.
I woke up to complete darkness and five missed calls. All from family checking on me. I called back right away, not wanting to leave them worried. I could tell they were happy to hear I’d been able to get some sleep. ‘Love you too, talk to you soon.’ I rolled over fully prepared to get right back to bed. But then curiosity got the best of me. I glanced over my shoulder at my phone sitting there on the bedside table, still illuminated. I wish I could have screamed at myself ‘NO, DON’T DO IT, JUST GO TO BED’ But I couldn’t. It didn’t feel like I was in control of my body as I watched my fingers wrap around the cool aluminum. I hadn’t heard from him yet. I’d just take a quick peek to see if there were any updates. I had only started to type in the search engine when the breaking news popped up as one of my autofill suggestions. My eyes read it faster than my brain could process it. For a moment, I forgot to breathe.
I was sitting straight up in bed now. Wide awake. In my solitude, I audibly cried out to GOD.
SierraSweetheart 