fear – SierraSweetheart

‘Wanna swing by the beach baby?’ He looked over at me with a smile. ‘Sure! It looks so nice out. We’ll just stop for a little while.’ We turned at the stoplight and parked. He opened my door and I climbed out of the car, stopping only to briefly change from sandals to flip flops. It almost seemed deserted. Barely any people. Just the way we liked it. We walked hand in hand towards the sand. We were definitely going to be here for more than just a little while…

2020. It was a new year. A new decade. So many plans. It’s crazy how life has this way of surprising you. I remember posting a photo on our social media with the caption ‘Excited to bring in a new year happy and together…’ At the time, I had no idea that my husband would soon be unexpectedly deployed. Hours notice, that’s all we got.

I remember the day we spent at the beach. It was such a perfect day. The sun was peeking from behind the clouds, providing the perfect amount of warmth and shade. It was deserted that day. We walked right up and got front row seats to the amazing sunset. ‘So beautiful.’ He and I had whispered that at the same time. ‘Yes, you are.’ I looked over at him. I had been talking about the sunset. He had been talking about me.

Oh my goodness. Why was I blushing??

I sometimes look back at the photos we took that day and smile. Such fond memories. We were blessed to have that special time together. It was so much more than just a day at the beach.

I reached over to check my phone before bed. My heart dropped when I saw the words “Breaking News” flash across the screen. It was trending. Two simple words that could mean so much to my life. I quickly reached for my Bible with one hand as I shakily pressed for the update with my other…

That first night without him was the hardest. Sleeping alone. He had given me a crash course on exactly what to do to protect myself if necessary although we had both prayed it wouldn’t be. Lock the door. Open it for no one. Call mom if you need anything. I knew the drill. I stood at the entryway to the bedroom, almost afraid to go in. It suddenly looked so huge. My eyes drifted down. There they were on the floor next to the bed, his slippers. I sat down and slid my feet in one by one, smiling at the warmth they provided. Behind me, his pillow looked too inviting not to try. Laying my cheek against it, I deeply inhaled. It smelled like him. That strong yet gentle scent that I had grown to love so much.

The bed seemed to swallow me without him at my side. So much space. Too much space. I laid there staring at his pillow, enjoying fond memories of the late night intimate talks we loved to share. Before l knew it, I had fallen asleep.

I woke up to complete darkness and five missed calls. All from family checking on me. I called back right away, not wanting to leave them worried. I could tell they were happy to hear I’d been able to get some sleep. ‘Love you too, talk to you soon.’ I rolled over fully prepared to get right back to bed. But then curiosity got the best of me. I glanced over my shoulder at my phone sitting there on the bedside table, still illuminated. I wish I could have screamed at myself ‘NO, DON’T DO IT, JUST GO TO BED’ But I couldn’t. It didn’t feel like I was in control of my body as I watched my fingers wrap around the cool aluminum. I hadn’t heard from him yet. I’d just take a quick peek to see if there were any updates. I had only started to type in the search engine when the breaking news popped up as one of my autofill suggestions. My eyes read it faster than my brain could process it. For a moment, I forgot to breathe.

I was sitting straight up in bed now. Wide awake. In my solitude, I audibly cried out to GOD.

Tag: fear

More Than Just a Day at the Beach

Breaking News.