My hands started shaking as I turned the wheel. This was it. The moment we had both been longing for. The moment that felt like it would never come. And then there he was…walking towards me with that smile that I loved so much. God, it was so good to see him again. Holding back tears, I allowed myself to fully breathe for the first time in months…
I stepped back and smiled, admiring the decorations that surrounded me. Hues of pink and red cascaded from the ceiling. Everything was so beautiful. It was perfect. I walked over to the couch and grabbed my phone. It was time to check the Redeployment Hotline again. My fingers dialed the number from memory. The familiar sound of the automated voice on the other end filled my ears. I quietly wondered to myself, just how many times had I called this number over the past few days?
This time was different. I replayed the message to ensure I had heard it correctly.
There was a last minute update! He would be arriving almost an hour earlier than expected! The smallest cry escaped my lips as the realization hit me.
In one smooth motion, I grabbed my purse and my car keys as I headed out the door.
Once in the car, I pulled up the GPS and said out loud ‘He’s finally home.’ It was finally time to bring him home. I met my own eyes in the mirror as I did a quick lookover. They seemed to twinkle back at me.
Red dress. I was wearing one of his favorite colors on me. Red. So bright and fiery, much like our marriage. I smiled as I thought about how much he was going to love it, and then buckled my seatbelt as I headed to get my man.
The sun was bright and the birds were chirping happily. I rolled the windows down as a light breeze filled the car and blew my hair softly in the wind. I didn’t need a feel good song playing on the radio. I was in a state of pure bliss.
Before I knew it, I had pulled up to the massive gates on base. It felt different today. My husband was behind these gates and I was here to bring him home. For a moment, my mind went back to the day I dropped him off…
‘I love you baby, see you when you get home.’ A tear crept down my cheek just as I tried to quickly turn and hide it from him. His strong but gentle hand grabbed my shoulder and stopped me. He pulled me close and rested his chin on my head as he had done so many times before. ‘It’s okay baby, it’s okay.’
I couldn’t help but smile as I thought about how long ago that now seemed. I pulled up and prepared to patiently wait. It had already been so long. What was a few more minutes?
The buses rolled in. We made a line to wave them on. Posters and pom poms flew in every direction as they disappeared farther down the road. It lasted only a few seconds. This was our official “Welcome Ceremony.” Thanks to social distancing, there would be no large gatherings or fancy programs. It had been an adjustment for all of us.
It was now time to reunite with my husband.
I drove to the meeting location and patiently waited. Almost immediately, I saw him heading my way. He seemed taller. He was a bit thinner. His eyes looked a little tired. But he was smiling at me!! He was happy!! I could’ve cried tears of joy at that moment.
We embraced immediately and shared the most passionate kiss. It was well overdue.
I couldn’t stop talking on the way home. I was so excited to update him on EVERYTHING. As we got closer, I glanced down at our hands locked together and resting between us. ‘I really missed this baby,’ he said it so low that I almost didn’t hear. I glanced over at him as he drove and quietly thanked GOD for bringing him back safely to me. Tears welled up in my eyes. I blinked them away.
We were headed to his Welcome Home Party!!
It was time for the big surprise! I quietly waited inside a life-sized box as he walked in, unaware of what was to come. He pulled it open earnestly but gently. My heart began to race as I prepared to jump out. A shower of rose petals fell between us and he flashed that smile at me once again.
We laughed and embraced and enjoyed the party. A familiar song began to play on the radio. It was the same song that had played on the night he left all those months ago. Our eyes quietly met. It felt too perfect to be a coincidence. He took me into his arms and in that moment, all was right with the world. We spoke no words for the duration of the song and slow-danced from start to finish. I could see the emotion in his eyes. When he released it, it was my turn to take him into my arms. It felt so good to be reunited.
He was safe. He was healthy. He was in my arms. He was Home.
‘I almost didn’t realize I was holding my breath as I shakily reached to open the trunk. Confusion and excitement overtook my thoughts. As the screen lit up my entire face, I became overcome with emotion. In those first few moments, I didn’t know whether to smile or cry…‘
It was a day like any other. The sun sat high in the sky and a light breeze filled the air that seemed to bring the perfect mix of wind and warmth. Birds were chirping in beautiful harmony. The general mood was a peaceful one.
It was Valentine’s Day. The day of LOVE.
More specifically, my third day of love without the love of my life by my side. I wasn’t in much of a mood for celebrating.
I glanced down at my phone, hoping to see a new message from my husband. It had become a bit more difficult to communicate again. We were blessed if he got the chance to say ‘I’m safe. I love you.’
‘Heard from Sean?’ I looked up to see my sister standing in the doorway. I quickly put on a fake smile. ‘Not yet, but hopefully soon.’ She stood there staring at me for a moment. Looking back, I should have known that she had a secret from the way the corners of her lips slightly curled upward.
‘Get dressed, come run some errands with me.’ She disappeared down the hallway as I reached for my outfit. I hadn’t realized that I was excited to get out and get some fresh air. I was excited to clear my mind.
I threw my purse over my shoulder and turned towards the window just in time to get a glimpse of her driving away. ‘What in the world?’ I couldn’t help saying it out loud. My phone vibrated against my leg and I pulled it out in time to see the words New Message flashing across the screen. It was my sister. I read it out loud. ‘Meet me at the park in 10 minutes.’
There were no other messages.
The moment I arrived at the park, I was instantly blindfolded. Standing there in the middle of the grass, I smiled as I heard her doing her final touches. It was obvious that she was trying to make me feel better but all I really wanted was a message from my husband letting me know that he was okay.
‘Okay, open your eyes!’
I blinked a few times to adjust to the sun. The first thing that caught my eye was a teddy bear that stood as tall as me, his neck wrapped in a cascade of pink ribbon. Beautiful pink and white roses were arranged neatly in a bouquet, mixed amongst a sea of pink and white gifts.
I became instantly overwhelmed, cooing over everything and holding back tears as I read my cards. The words were so beautiful. I could tell they had come from his heart. Due to the fact that we were in the middle of a deployment, he wasn’t able to physically write out his love letters to me. Still, he had taken the time to figure out a way to my heart.
My sister took the words he’d typed, printed them out and gently placed them in the card. They were just as beautiful as the ones he usually wrote by hand. I had to blink back tears once again. I wanted nothing more than to speak to him and thank him for making the day so special for me.
Little did I know, the biggest surprise was yet to come.
I nervously stood in front of the trunk, wondering what could possibly be waiting inside. For a moment, I allowed myself to believe that he was going to jump out and pull me into his arms as he had so many times before.
Wishful thinking.
I gently lifted the trunk in anticipation. The rush of pink and white balloons filled me with an unexplainable feeling of happiness.
But it left as quickly as it came, floating away into the air with the balloons.
My fingers wrapped around the ipad sitting in the trunk. It was all that remained. ‘Turn it on!’ I glanced over at my sister as I shakily pressed the power button and held my breath.
There he was! My husband!! I was speechless.
‘Hey baby, Happy Valentine’s Day From the Other Side of the World’…
He had recorded a beautiful video message for me. I watched it from start to finish. I could see the hurt in his eyes but I could also hear the love in his voice. I didn’t care about holding back the tears anymore.
I must have thanked my sister a million times for helping him plan it all out. My entire day had been made.
He called and we spoke for what felt like hours. I giggled like a school girl the entire time.
We were thousands of miles apart, but we had once again found a special way to celebrate our love.
You’re right. I did. So did he. Guess what? Because we did, you don’t have to. There’s nothing worse than realizing that the very people you spend your days defending, and making sacrifices for, are the ones that feel this way.
Negativity.
My husband chose to serve his country and by default I serve it too. Does that take away my right to have emotions? To miss him? To worry about his well being? Absolutely not.
Instead of judging me, say a prayer for me. Better yet, say a prayer for my husband. Then hold your family a little tighter at night and be thankful that they are able to be with you.
I reached over to check my phone before bed. My heart dropped when I saw the words “Breaking News” flash across the screen. It was trending. Two simple words that could mean so much to my life. I quickly reached for my Bible with one hand as I shakily pressed for the update with my other…
That first night without him was the hardest. Sleeping alone. He had given me a crash course on exactly what to do to protect myself if necessary although we had both prayed it wouldn’t be. Lock the door. Open it for no one. Call mom if you need anything. I knew the drill. I stood at the entryway to the bedroom, almost afraid to go in. It suddenly looked so huge. My eyes drifted down. There they were on the floor next to the bed, his slippers. I sat down and slid my feet in one by one, smiling at the warmth they provided. Behind me, his pillow looked too inviting not to try. Laying my cheek against it, I deeply inhaled. It smelled like him. That strong yet gentle scent that I had grown to love so much.
The bed seemed to swallow me without him at my side. So much space. Too much space. I laid there staring at his pillow, enjoying fond memories of the late night intimate talks we loved to share. Before l knew it, I had fallen asleep.
I woke up to complete darkness and five missed calls. All from family checking on me. I called back right away, not wanting to leave them worried. I could tell they were happy to hear I’d been able to get some sleep. ‘Love you too, talk to you soon.’ I rolled over fully prepared to get right back to bed. But then curiosity got the best of me. I glanced over my shoulder at my phone sitting there on the bedside table, still illuminated. I wish I could have screamed at myself ‘NO, DON’T DO IT, JUST GO TO BED’ But I couldn’t. It didn’t feel like I was in control of my body as I watched my fingers wrap around the cool aluminum. I hadn’t heard from him yet. I’d just take a quick peek to see if there were any updates. I had only started to type in the search engine when the breaking news popped up as one of my autofill suggestions. My eyes read it faster than my brain could process it. For a moment, I forgot to breathe.
I was sitting straight up in bed now. Wide awake. In my solitude, I audibly cried out to GOD.
No one tells you this part. Even if they did, they couldn’t possibly prepare you for it. How much it hurts when you watch him walk away into the unknown. The feeling you get in your stomach each time you have dinner alone…
I turned the key and let out a deep sigh as I entered our home. The familiar smell of pecan brownies filled the air. Warm, inviting. A little white ball of fur came bolting down the hallway. Our dog, Noelle. She looked past me towards the door, looking for her daddy. Her hero. I looked away, holding back tears. For a minute I pretended that I didn’t see, hoping she’d quickly go on about her day. But we had anticipated this. I reached into my bag for one of her favorite treats. The ones she always went crazy for. ‘Mmmmm,’ I loudly said and placed it on the ground where she sat. As I hung my coat, I snuck a peek over at her. She had settled down right there. The treat was untouched. I should have known. A treat versus her daddy? He’d win every time. There she sat, staring intently at the door. Tail down. Ears up. Listening for his footsteps. ‘Come on Noelle baby, daddy will come a little later.’ I could barely get the words out knowing the truth. How does one tell a dog about these things?
For an hour, I watched her. Loyal. Patient. Perking up at every sound she heard. Tears silently rolled down my cheeks as I picked her up and carried her back down the hallway. It was so quiet in the house. Though I wore only socks, my footsteps seemed to pound in my ears. Each one louder than the one before. I sat down cross-legged on the floor and balanced her on my lap. She crawled right out of my arms and into her little bed. ‘Daddy will be home soon,’ I told her.
I glanced at my bible, still open on the bedside table. I had prayed. We had prayed. I was confident in the direction we had received. But why did I still feel so sad? ‘Because you love your husband and you’re human,’ I told myself out loud.
I headed into the kitchen to prepare for dinner and stopped dead in my tracks as my eyes landed on the sink. I had made his favorite right before dropping him off. His plate was still sitting there. Traces of brown gravy lingered on the smooth white porcelain. A mere hour earlier, he had been enjoying his meal at the dining room table, thanking me with a smile for making his favorite. I swore in that moment I could almost feel him. My phone vibrated and shook me from my thoughts. Why was it so loud? ‘How’s it going?’ It was my sister checking in on me. My thumbs quickly drafted a response and shot it back to her. ‘Doing great! Gonna call soon!’ I didn’t want her to worry. I didn’t want her to call. I didn’t want to cry.
I made too much food. Going from dinner for two to party of one had proven to be a little more difficult than I had expected. My eyes darted to that spot on the couch. His favorite spot. The one he loved to settle into after a long day at work. I loved seeing him sit there. Relaxed and content. Offering assistance if needed but otherwise waiting for the notification that dinner was complete. Usually around this time he’d smile at me as I made our plates and tell me that he loved me. A gentle forehead kiss always came soon after. Suddenly, I had no appetite. My eyes filled with tears. I angrily wiped them away as I sat to have my meal, irritated with the fact that I had become so emotional. He will be back. This was always a part of our lives. We had been here before. But this time was just so unexpected. So different.
The bright flames danced in the fireplace, almost as if they wanted to escape at any moment. Warmth radiated and seemed to fill the entire living room. There was a certain peace, a calmness in the air. But things were far from peaceful.
I watched him as he finished up with the log, igniting a fire that would burn much like the passion between us. I took in every bit of him. I wanted to cherish this night. He turned to me and smiled ‘It’s ready baby.’ I joined him on the floor. We had opted to get a 4 hour log, a rare treat. He reached for the cream knitted fleece, the coziest one we had, and gently wrapped it around my shoulders. I smiled at him and we shared a kiss. He headed to the kitchen to grab our dinner plates and I got settled in.
Dinner was terrible. Absolutely terrible. ‘I’m sorry baby, I have no idea what happened.’ He looked at me with eyes that were apologetic. The corners of his mouth started to curl. He was holding back a smile. Maybe we needed that. It had been an extremely emotional night. We laughed, we cried, we stared into each other’s eyes. Most importantly, we made memories. I cuddled up with him right there in front of the fireplace. We only had a couple of hours left before it would be time to go to sleep. To my right, our dog was happily curled up in bed under a little blanket of her own. To my left, the fire had grown to a full blaze. And behind me…He was behind me. His big arms were wrapped around my waist. Tight enough to make me feel secure yet loose enough to allow me to freely move closer against him. He brushed my hair to the side and gently kissed my neck. I closed my eyes. ‘I love you so much baby,’ he said in a husky whisper. I wasn’t yet sure of what would lie ahead of us, but I felt a little more ready for it.
I looked over at him and smiled, he smiled back and gave my hand a gentle squeeze. We had waited so long for this moment. An intimate little getaway for just the two of us. I gazed out of the window at the palm trees as I happily made plans in my head for the remainder of our trip. ‘We’ll visit the islands, have a romantic picnic…’ The sound of his phone pulled me from my thoughts. It was going off like crazy. I looked over at his face and the smile slowly faded from mine…
What seemed like a million fireworks rang out, beautifully illuminating the night sky. Through the window, I followed a glimpse of blue with my eyes until it disappeared over the lake, gone forever. I shifted my attention to you, trying to decipher the look on your face. Your eyes were focused on the task at hand. Jaw tight in concentration. You seemed to be lost in thought. What were you thinking? My eyes lingered for a moment.
Until you caught me looking at you.
Your features immediately softened. A smile crept across your lips. It was sad, almost apologetic as you asked me ‘You all packed, babe?’ I looked down at the bag in front me and didn’t recognize it as my own. The usually neatly folded, organized by color and style clothing had been quickly stacked and mixed amongst other belongings. ‘Yes baby,’ I said, unable to look back up at you. They were coming again. The tears. Holding them back took everything in me but I was determined.
“Standing there in the crowded university cafeteria, I shifted my books from one arm to the other, looking for a seat. In he came, with his dark brown hair neatly styled and his polo shirt tucked into his khakis. A familiar smile came over his face as he spotted me. I knew him from work. I guess I had never noticed before, but he was actually quite handsome. He waved as he approached me and said, ‘Are you trying to find a seat? We’ll probably get a table faster if we sit together.’ There was the slightest hint of a twinkle in his deep green eyes. He would later admit to me how proud he was of this ‘smooth’ line. We had lunch together that day. It became a regular thing. Two associates from work hanging out at school. Nothing more. Things went a step further when he friend requested me on Facebook. We would chat online for hours. He confided in me about girls and I confided in him about guys. We became fast friends. One day he said, ‘Hey, why don’t we hang out?’ I smiled and agreed. He picked me up, held my hand in the car and paid for the meal. It was definitely a date.
He showed up at my house a few days later with a single multicolored rose. It was storming outside and the rain was coming down sideways. There he was standing at my front door. ‘Will you be my girlfriend?’ He was so nervous. ‘Of course I will!’ I exclaimed. We hugged and shared the most romantic kiss. From that moment on, we celebrated every milestone. 1 month. 2 months. Half a year. People would roll their eyes but we didn’t care! Time went on and we grew closer. We fell deeper in love.
The proposal was perfect. It started with a limousine ride and a rooftop view of the river. He really spoiled me that day. Balloons, glitter, and candles filled the room as he walked me in to the rhythm of John Legend’s You and I. Tears filled my eyes as I took in the beautiful lyrics and the romantic atmosphere. While we were having dinner, he had enlisted the help of my sister to create a scene straight out of a fairytale. ‘It’s so beautiful,’ I whispered. He responded, also in a whisper, ‘You’re so beautiful.’ Then he dropped down to one knee.
After college he left to serve, just as his grandfather had before him. I stayed behind and began my work as a nurse. I still remember the last night we spent together before he shipped out. It was a freezing cold winter night. One of those nights where snow was welcomed but had not yet arrived. Cuddled there next to him on the couch he reached down and grabbed my hand. He whispered, ‘I sure am gonna miss you baby,’ to which I responded in a barely audible voice, ‘I’ll miss you too.’ They were the first words we had spoken in hours. I almost didn’t notice the tear roll down my cheek, had it not landed on my lips and startled me with its saltiness. He pulled me closer and I looked up at him. His eyes. They were filling up. I quickly looked away, not wanting him to know that I’d seen the tears.
So we sat in our embrace. Silent. Both aware that everything was about to change.
I dropped him off at MEPS the next morning. I proudly stood there as he said his oath and then gladly opened my arms for what they called ‘one last hug.’ I didn’t want to let go. I took in everything. The feeling of his arms around my waist. The smell of his aftershave. His chin resting on the top of my head. That familiar comfort that I’d come to know and love. Then I heard ‘Time’s Up!’ The words cut me like a knife as I reluctantly released my grip. I watched him as he left the room. I think I might have been okay had he not turned around and mouthed to me, ‘I Love You,’ just as he rounded the corner. And then he was gone. I lost it. Not wanting anyone to see me in my moment of weakness, I zoomed from the room and opted to take the stairs as opposed to the crowded elevator. I had to use the guardrail to get down them. I could barely see through my tears. My car was my refuge at that time. I don’t remember just how long I sat there but at some point I gathered myself and drove home. It was time to be strong.
Basic training was tough but I smiled every time I opened my mailbox to that familiar handwriting. There was something special about the way he wrote my name. ‘I need to go by the post office first.’ I must have said that a million times while he was away. We wrote so many letters back and forth that there was one in the mailbox almost every day. I think that helped a lot. I poured my emotions into my letters, being careful not to include anything that may have caused him to worry or be concerned. His training was in phases, each one harder than the one before. As we approached the last phase, he wrote, ‘mentally it may get a little difficult really soon.’ He seemed positive but a little unsure of what the future was going to hold. The same day I received that letter, I got online and printed out what must have been hundreds of motivational quotes. Such big words on such small pieces of paper. Hope. Positivity. I filled the envelopes with them and ended each letter with four simple words. ‘You got this babe.’ He later told me that helped him make it through.
And then graduation came and went. It literally felt that quick.
I still remember the first time I spotted him. Standing there in his full uniform. Handsome. Rugged. He looked so different but…his eyes. His eyes were the same gentle ones that I had come to know and love so much. I knew the exact moment that he spotted me too. He smiled at me with his eyes. Watching him graduate and conquer his goals, I was so proud. I told him so. I ran right up to him and as we embraced, I whispered, ‘I’m so proud of you babe.’ He just tightened his grip and I felt his body shake. Silent tears. ‘I love you so much baby,’ were the only words he said. He had missed me too.
Our celebration was short lived. He deployed merely months later. I wept when he told me.
Deployment day arrived. As I hugged him, the cool metal of his dog tags pressed against my cheek. I said through tears, ‘You better come back safely to me!’ before he climbed onto the big plane that was going to take him away. He looked me right in the eyes and said, ‘I will baby.’ We said a prayer together. It was the peace that I needed in that moment.
At first, I heard nothing. In the military, they say no news is good news. That’s easier said than experienced. Then he called me! Months went by filled with video calls, text messages and care packages. I prayed for his safety daily. As the time winded down, the excitement began to grow. One day he said, ‘Life is too short babe, let’s go ahead and get married.’ He was serious. I could hear it in his voice. We had been enjoying our engagement up until then. I was taking my time planning the perfect wedding. I don’t know what he saw over there. I have never asked. We married 3 days after his return.
The wedding was beautiful. Perfect. I couldn’t have imagined it in my dreams. I’ll never forget the way he looked at me during our first look. I stretched out my freshly manicured hand and tapped his shoulder, careful not to disturb his chord. He turned around and his mouth fell open. ‘Wow, she looks like a princess!’ I felt so beautiful at that moment. The ceremony came soon after. There we stood, on top of a cliff overlooking the ocean in Southern California. Literally on top of a cliff! Soft hues of blush and rose gold surrounded us. He arranged his beret. ‘Are you ready baby?’ My smile told him everything he needed to know. We wrote our own vows. I stood at the alter holding back tears as I heard him say the words he had said so many times before. ‘Always and Forever.’ This time just felt different. People surrounded us but at that moment it was just he and I on top of that cliff. A single tear rolled down his left cheek as we took our first dance. I reached up and gently wiped it away with my thumb. Time went by too quickly but I had enjoyed every minute of it.
As we have grown together, I notice more things I love about him. Like the way the corners of his eyes wrinkle when he smiles or how he kisses me on the forehead whenever dinner is ready. He still opens all my doors and pulls out my chairs. He holds my hand no matter where we are. Most importantly, he prays for me. Every time he walks out the front door he says, ‘I love you baby.’ I respond, ‘I love you too.’ He then comes back with ‘I love you more.’ I always jokingly say, ‘You better!’ He never walks out the front door without this exchange. It brings comfort to the both of us. I always keep my faith that he’s going to walk back in.
Being married to a soldier can be emotionally difficult but I am proud to stand by his side as he serves our country. Everyday is a new adventure. Our story is still being written. It sure has been a page-turner so far and I look forward to what’s yet to come.”
SierraSweetheart 