He carefully lifted the last lid and then froze right there on the spot. I watched as his facial expression went from surprise to pure bliss. I took a deep breath as tears began to flow from his eyes. What a special moment. This was so surreal…
There were only a few days left to go before Christmas and the holiday spirit could be felt heavy in our home. We had gone with our favorite Winter Wonderland theme. I looked around at our living room all dusted in white and reached for a log to light the fireplace. My phone vibrated with a text from my husband that read ‘All done here baby, I’m headed home. Can’t wait to see you.’
I gently loaded the log into the fireplace and watched as the fire rose from a spark to a full on flame. Today was the day. I had some very special news to share and I could hardly contain my excitement. My husband was about to find out that he was going to be a daddy! I nervously straightened out the hem of my dress and settled into my favorite spot in front of the fire. It wouldn’t be long now.
I heard the beep of the car alarm and then the sound of his heavy boots as they climbed the stairs outside. I counted down the remaining flights in my head until he was right outside. His key turned in the door and as it opened, he smiled and looked over at me. ‘You look so cozy babe.’ He started to get prepped for a shower.
As he undressed, I watched him closely. He unbuttoned his jacket and lifted off his undershirt. I quietly studied his mannerisms, imagining in my head what a mini version of him might be like. I smiled to myself as I realized that I was excited to find out. I was even more excited for him to find out. ‘Hold off on your shower for a minute babe, I want to show you something.’ He froze and looked at me as the biggest smile of anticipation spread across his lips.
He happily took a seat in front of the fire and with shaky legs, I headed down the hallway to collect his surprise.
One by one he read each riddle and smiled until he had reached the final box. My heart began to beat a little faster as he lifted the lid. I had an idea of what his reaction would be and it brought me so much happiness to be providing this special moment for him. As he raised the lid, time stood still. He froze and stared in awe at the tiny onesie and booties, positive pregnancy tests and adorable baby rattle. Then he looked over at me.
His eyes became misty as he verified what he was seeing was indeed real. We were going to have a baby. ‘Really?!’ he looked to me for confirmation. I smiled proudly and nodded my head and then watched helplessly as he began to cry.
What a special moment.
He extended his arms and I accepted the invitation. We embraced in front of the fire with him sobbing into my arms, realizing that he was about to be a daddy. Seeing his reaction, his pure excitement alone, made my entire day.
Hearing the impromptu speech he recited for his unborn child left me speechless. In that moment, I knew that I couldn’t have picked a better man to be the father of my children.
He was happy. I was happy. It was going to be a very Merry Christmas indeed.
Three minutes. That’s all it was. Three minutes that felt like forever. I reached for the results with a shaky hand. This was crazy. Tiny little lines on a stick were about to determine my entirefuture…
I opened my eyes and looked down at Noelle. She had been staring at me intently, both ears standing straight up. ‘What are you doing silly girl?’ I watched and waited for a response. She hopped over to her food dish and gently pawed at it, letting me know she was ready to eat. I slowly sat up in bed just as the front door opened. ‘It’s me baby.’ My husband was back from his morning PT. As soon as she heard his voice, Noelle shot up the hallway to meet him. I laughed at how quickly she forgot that she was hungry.
I turned over in bed and watched as he kneeled down to catch her in his arms. His eyes caught mine and a smile crossed his lips. It wasn’t his usual one. There was something else there. Worry? Concern? He knew that if I was still in bed, there must be something wrong. I usually lived for meeting him at the door with breakfast.
I sat straight up in bed and gave a weak smile of my own as he headed towards me.
‘Are you feeling okay baby?’ His eyes were narrowed, inspecting me as he waited for my answer. Noelle, still in his arms, turned her head towards me as if she was waiting for a response as well. ‘Just a little tired baby but I’m fine.’ I gave him another weak smile as I positioned my body to climb out of bed. In one swift motion, his arm was gently holding me down. ‘No. Just rest baby.’ I was so tired. I didn’t resist. He filled her food dish and then sat next to the bed holding my hand until he had to leave again for work.
I must have fallen asleep like that because I woke up to complete silence.
Noelle was curled up in her bed, fast asleep with a happy tummy. I gently lowered my feet to the floor as the realizion hit me. I was expecting my cycle in a few days which was probably why I felt a bit fatigued.
Days went by and although the fatigue got better, my expected visitor never made an entrace. Knowing that my husband and I had started trying for a baby, I decided it was time to take a pregnancy test. Not wanting to ruin what would be a beautiful surprise, I picked a day and waited for him to head to work. He didn’t suspect a thing.
‘Have a good day at work babe.’ I gave him a kiss and closed the door. I basically skipped down the hallway towards my bathroom cabinet where I had neatly tucked away a special little box all the way in the back corner. I stopped to peek through the blinds, just to make sure he drove off and I was in the clear! It was time to find out! I grabbed my camera and tripod to document the memory and headed to the bathroom.
I pressed record on the camera and instantly started to sweat. Why was I so nervous??
My hands fumbled with the packaging as I went through the process for the first time. I carefully read the directions twice just to make sure I did everything perfectly. Then it was time. I stared at the bars loading one by one and patiently waited for the results to populate on the stick. As the last one loaded, I closed my eyes in anticipation. Everything around me went completely still and quiet. I slowly opened them to the words visible plain as day.
PREGNANT.
One hand flew to cover my mouth as I cradled my future with the other. ‘I’m pregnant.’ I said it again with tears in my eyes. The happiness I felt was indescribable. Noelle was staring at me intently as if she was saying congratulations in her own little way. It was time to tell my husband. We were about to embark on the journey of a lifetime and I couldn’t wait.
Sitting in the passenger seat, I looked over at him and smiled. The sun seemed to be resting happily on his shoulder. He kept one hand steady on the steering wheel and stretched the other out to me. I closed my eyes as he lifted the back of my hand to his lips and planted a gentle kiss. Life sure had a funny way of coming full circle…
A loud buzzing rang out and filled the room, startling me from my sleep. I reached over and quickly turned off the alarm then looked over my shoulder to see if my husband was awake. He was still resting peacefully, eyes closed tight. I decided to take a moment to reflect.
Today was the day. The first day of summer leave. We had waited so long for this vacation. It almost didn’t come. I still remember the day I received the email. It came from my husband’s company. These days, the emails that came could have literally been anything. For a moment after my phone vibrated, I just stared at it. One new message. What could it possibly be? The entire world seemed to be in both a fragile and hostile state. The perfect recipe for disaster. Regardless of how nervous I was, I knew it was going to be information that I needed. I swiped down from my notification bar and my eyes instantly grew wide.
‘Great news!! The travel ban has been lifted and we have official dates for summer leave.’ I teared up as I read it over and over. ‘Please check with your paratrooper for further details.’ I sent my husband a screenshot of the email and he replied back with about a million smiley faces and exclamation points. This is what life had become. Celebrating the smallest of things. Every positive was a victory. We were definitely grateful. I couldn’t wait to start planning!
‘You awake baby?’ He pulled me from my thoughts. When had he climbed out of bed? Did I fall back asleep? Last night had been a restless one for me. I was so excited that it seemed like sleep never came. It was like the night before the first day of school when your outfit is already picked out and you can’t wait to see your friends. ‘I’m awake!’ I jumped out of bed and right into his arms. The adrenaline rush had set in. It was time to start our vacation!!
The next two hours were a whirlwind of showers, breakfast and packing up the car. Finally, the time came to get on the road.
I picked up our puppy, Noelle, with one hand and slid my purse over my shoulder with the other as I stepped outside. The sound of the door locking behind us made me let out a little giggle. I instantly felt silly. He must have noticed. He flashed me a smile as he slid the keys into his pocket and let out a chuckle of his own that was clearly meant to match mine. It didn’t seem so silly after all. He reached for Noelle and she dove into his arms, leaving me with free hands as we made our way down the steps. The three of us piled into the car and we would soon be on our way.
I looked around at the bags surrounding us. The last time we were all in the car like this, we were headed home to prepare for my husband’s rapid departure overseas. I glanced over at him as he slid on his sunglasses. I called him Mr. Smooth whenever he wore them. He cracked his knuckles and put the car into drive.
I looked down at Noelle, she had already cuddled up to her favorite toy and was setting her sights on a good nap. Everything felt normal. It felt perfect.
My husband passed me the aux cord as the sunshine hit my face. It felt SO good. We were on the road again! But this time was different. This was better than the last time.
I slowly opened my eyes and was immediately met by his gaze. For a moment we just stared at each other in silence. Finally, I smiled and asked him ‘How long have you been watching me?’ He didn’t give an answer, only smiled in return…
I rolled over onto my back and looked out of the window. The sun was shining bright through the blinds. It had to be at least 10 o’clock.
We had slept in.
Memories of the night before flooded my mind. We stayed up all night laughing and talking and just enjoying each other’s company. It had truly been a wonderful night.
The warmth of his hand grabbing mine broke me from my thoughts. ‘Stay in bed baby, I’ll get us some breakfast going and we can enjoy it together.’ He flashed that killer smile at me and headed towards the kitchen.
I propped myself up on my elbows and watched him as he worked. Quiet, yet diligent. Out of nowhere, he stopped and glanced at me. A sly grin crept across his face. ‘Alexa, play…’ Suddenly, music spilled into every room of our home. He was dancing and swaying to the music while I held back my laugh. This was what happiness felt like.
Outside, the world was not so happy.
My eyes landed on the papers stacked on the bedside table. “‘MANDATORY 14 DAY QUARANTINE’ They were my husband’s official orders. We were home and enjoying special time together, but we were in quarantine. The world was in a state of what could only be explained as pure chaos. I shifted my gaze from the papers to my husband, who was now loudly singing to our puppy as he prepared bacon.
Regardless of the circumstances, I was blessed to be spending so much time with the love of my life. I threw my legs over the side of the bed and headed up the hallway, eager to join in on the fun. This was going to be a long couple of weeks and I planned on enjoying every minute. I had never been more excited to be in lockdown.
‘Wanna swing by the beach baby?’ He looked over at me with a smile. ‘Sure! It looks so nice out. We’ll just stop for a little while.’ We turned at the stoplight and parked. He opened my door and I climbed out of the car, stopping only to briefly change from sandals to flip flops. It almost seemed deserted. Barely any people. Just the way we liked it. We walked hand in hand towards the sand. We were definitely going to be here for more than just a little while…
2020. It was a new year. A new decade. So many plans. It’s crazy how life has this way of surprising you. I remember posting a photo on our social media with the caption ‘Excited to bring in a new year happy and together…’ At the time, I had no idea that my husband would soon be unexpectedly deployed. Hours notice, that’s all we got.
I remember the day we spent at the beach. It was such a perfect day. The sun was peeking from behind the clouds, providing the perfect amount of warmth and shade. It was deserted that day. We walked right up and got front row seats to the amazing sunset. ‘So beautiful.’ He and I had whispered that at the same time. ‘Yes, you are.’ I looked over at him. I had been talking about the sunset. He had been talking about me.
Oh my goodness. Why was I blushing??
I sometimes look back at the photos we took that day and smile. Such fond memories. We were blessed to have that special time together. It was so much more than just a day at the beach.
You’re right. I did. So did he. Guess what? Because we did, you don’t have to. There’s nothing worse than realizing that the very people you spend your days defending, and making sacrifices for, are the ones that feel this way.
Negativity.
My husband chose to serve his country and by default I serve it too. Does that take away my right to have emotions? To miss him? To worry about his well being? Absolutely not.
Instead of judging me, say a prayer for me. Better yet, say a prayer for my husband. Then hold your family a little tighter at night and be thankful that they are able to be with you.
I reached over to check my phone before bed. My heart dropped when I saw the words “Breaking News” flash across the screen. It was trending. Two simple words that could mean so much to my life. I quickly reached for my Bible with one hand as I shakily pressed for the update with my other…
That first night without him was the hardest. Sleeping alone. He had given me a crash course on exactly what to do to protect myself if necessary although we had both prayed it wouldn’t be. Lock the door. Open it for no one. Call mom if you need anything. I knew the drill. I stood at the entryway to the bedroom, almost afraid to go in. It suddenly looked so huge. My eyes drifted down. There they were on the floor next to the bed, his slippers. I sat down and slid my feet in one by one, smiling at the warmth they provided. Behind me, his pillow looked too inviting not to try. Laying my cheek against it, I deeply inhaled. It smelled like him. That strong yet gentle scent that I had grown to love so much.
The bed seemed to swallow me without him at my side. So much space. Too much space. I laid there staring at his pillow, enjoying fond memories of the late night intimate talks we loved to share. Before l knew it, I had fallen asleep.
I woke up to complete darkness and five missed calls. All from family checking on me. I called back right away, not wanting to leave them worried. I could tell they were happy to hear I’d been able to get some sleep. ‘Love you too, talk to you soon.’ I rolled over fully prepared to get right back to bed. But then curiosity got the best of me. I glanced over my shoulder at my phone sitting there on the bedside table, still illuminated. I wish I could have screamed at myself ‘NO, DON’T DO IT, JUST GO TO BED’ But I couldn’t. It didn’t feel like I was in control of my body as I watched my fingers wrap around the cool aluminum. I hadn’t heard from him yet. I’d just take a quick peek to see if there were any updates. I had only started to type in the search engine when the breaking news popped up as one of my autofill suggestions. My eyes read it faster than my brain could process it. For a moment, I forgot to breathe.
I was sitting straight up in bed now. Wide awake. In my solitude, I audibly cried out to GOD.
The bright flames danced in the fireplace, almost as if they wanted to escape at any moment. Warmth radiated and seemed to fill the entire living room. There was a certain peace, a calmness in the air. But things were far from peaceful.
I watched him as he finished up with the log, igniting a fire that would burn much like the passion between us. I took in every bit of him. I wanted to cherish this night. He turned to me and smiled ‘It’s ready baby.’ I joined him on the floor. We had opted to get a 4 hour log, a rare treat. He reached for the cream knitted fleece, the coziest one we had, and gently wrapped it around my shoulders. I smiled at him and we shared a kiss. He headed to the kitchen to grab our dinner plates and I got settled in.
Dinner was terrible. Absolutely terrible. ‘I’m sorry baby, I have no idea what happened.’ He looked at me with eyes that were apologetic. The corners of his mouth started to curl. He was holding back a smile. Maybe we needed that. It had been an extremely emotional night. We laughed, we cried, we stared into each other’s eyes. Most importantly, we made memories. I cuddled up with him right there in front of the fireplace. We only had a couple of hours left before it would be time to go to sleep. To my right, our dog was happily curled up in bed under a little blanket of her own. To my left, the fire had grown to a full blaze. And behind me…He was behind me. His big arms were wrapped around my waist. Tight enough to make me feel secure yet loose enough to allow me to freely move closer against him. He brushed my hair to the side and gently kissed my neck. I closed my eyes. ‘I love you so much baby,’ he said in a husky whisper. I wasn’t yet sure of what would lie ahead of us, but I felt a little more ready for it.
I looked over at him and smiled, he smiled back and gave my hand a gentle squeeze. We had waited so long for this moment. An intimate little getaway for just the two of us. I gazed out of the window at the palm trees as I happily made plans in my head for the remainder of our trip. ‘We’ll visit the islands, have a romantic picnic…’ The sound of his phone pulled me from my thoughts. It was going off like crazy. I looked over at his face and the smile slowly faded from mine…
What seemed like a million fireworks rang out, beautifully illuminating the night sky. Through the window, I followed a glimpse of blue with my eyes until it disappeared over the lake, gone forever. I shifted my attention to you, trying to decipher the look on your face. Your eyes were focused on the task at hand. Jaw tight in concentration. You seemed to be lost in thought. What were you thinking? My eyes lingered for a moment.
Until you caught me looking at you.
Your features immediately softened. A smile crept across your lips. It was sad, almost apologetic as you asked me ‘You all packed, babe?’ I looked down at the bag in front me and didn’t recognize it as my own. The usually neatly folded, organized by color and style clothing had been quickly stacked and mixed amongst other belongings. ‘Yes baby,’ I said, unable to look back up at you. They were coming again. The tears. Holding them back took everything in me but I was determined.
“Standing there in the crowded university cafeteria, I shifted my books from one arm to the other, looking for a seat. In he came, with his dark brown hair neatly styled and his polo shirt tucked into his khakis. A familiar smile came over his face as he spotted me. I knew him from work. I guess I had never noticed before, but he was actually quite handsome. He waved as he approached me and said, ‘Are you trying to find a seat? We’ll probably get a table faster if we sit together.’ There was the slightest hint of a twinkle in his deep green eyes. He would later admit to me how proud he was of this ‘smooth’ line. We had lunch together that day. It became a regular thing. Two associates from work hanging out at school. Nothing more. Things went a step further when he friend requested me on Facebook. We would chat online for hours. He confided in me about girls and I confided in him about guys. We became fast friends. One day he said, ‘Hey, why don’t we hang out?’ I smiled and agreed. He picked me up, held my hand in the car and paid for the meal. It was definitely a date.
He showed up at my house a few days later with a single multicolored rose. It was storming outside and the rain was coming down sideways. There he was standing at my front door. ‘Will you be my girlfriend?’ He was so nervous. ‘Of course I will!’ I exclaimed. We hugged and shared the most romantic kiss. From that moment on, we celebrated every milestone. 1 month. 2 months. Half a year. People would roll their eyes but we didn’t care! Time went on and we grew closer. We fell deeper in love.
The proposal was perfect. It started with a limousine ride and a rooftop view of the river. He really spoiled me that day. Balloons, glitter, and candles filled the room as he walked me in to the rhythm of John Legend’s You and I. Tears filled my eyes as I took in the beautiful lyrics and the romantic atmosphere. While we were having dinner, he had enlisted the help of my sister to create a scene straight out of a fairytale. ‘It’s so beautiful,’ I whispered. He responded, also in a whisper, ‘You’re so beautiful.’ Then he dropped down to one knee.
After college he left to serve, just as his grandfather had before him. I stayed behind and began my work as a nurse. I still remember the last night we spent together before he shipped out. It was a freezing cold winter night. One of those nights where snow was welcomed but had not yet arrived. Cuddled there next to him on the couch he reached down and grabbed my hand. He whispered, ‘I sure am gonna miss you baby,’ to which I responded in a barely audible voice, ‘I’ll miss you too.’ They were the first words we had spoken in hours. I almost didn’t notice the tear roll down my cheek, had it not landed on my lips and startled me with its saltiness. He pulled me closer and I looked up at him. His eyes. They were filling up. I quickly looked away, not wanting him to know that I’d seen the tears.
So we sat in our embrace. Silent. Both aware that everything was about to change.
I dropped him off at MEPS the next morning. I proudly stood there as he said his oath and then gladly opened my arms for what they called ‘one last hug.’ I didn’t want to let go. I took in everything. The feeling of his arms around my waist. The smell of his aftershave. His chin resting on the top of my head. That familiar comfort that I’d come to know and love. Then I heard ‘Time’s Up!’ The words cut me like a knife as I reluctantly released my grip. I watched him as he left the room. I think I might have been okay had he not turned around and mouthed to me, ‘I Love You,’ just as he rounded the corner. And then he was gone. I lost it. Not wanting anyone to see me in my moment of weakness, I zoomed from the room and opted to take the stairs as opposed to the crowded elevator. I had to use the guardrail to get down them. I could barely see through my tears. My car was my refuge at that time. I don’t remember just how long I sat there but at some point I gathered myself and drove home. It was time to be strong.
Basic training was tough but I smiled every time I opened my mailbox to that familiar handwriting. There was something special about the way he wrote my name. ‘I need to go by the post office first.’ I must have said that a million times while he was away. We wrote so many letters back and forth that there was one in the mailbox almost every day. I think that helped a lot. I poured my emotions into my letters, being careful not to include anything that may have caused him to worry or be concerned. His training was in phases, each one harder than the one before. As we approached the last phase, he wrote, ‘mentally it may get a little difficult really soon.’ He seemed positive but a little unsure of what the future was going to hold. The same day I received that letter, I got online and printed out what must have been hundreds of motivational quotes. Such big words on such small pieces of paper. Hope. Positivity. I filled the envelopes with them and ended each letter with four simple words. ‘You got this babe.’ He later told me that helped him make it through.
And then graduation came and went. It literally felt that quick.
I still remember the first time I spotted him. Standing there in his full uniform. Handsome. Rugged. He looked so different but…his eyes. His eyes were the same gentle ones that I had come to know and love so much. I knew the exact moment that he spotted me too. He smiled at me with his eyes. Watching him graduate and conquer his goals, I was so proud. I told him so. I ran right up to him and as we embraced, I whispered, ‘I’m so proud of you babe.’ He just tightened his grip and I felt his body shake. Silent tears. ‘I love you so much baby,’ were the only words he said. He had missed me too.
Our celebration was short lived. He deployed merely months later. I wept when he told me.
Deployment day arrived. As I hugged him, the cool metal of his dog tags pressed against my cheek. I said through tears, ‘You better come back safely to me!’ before he climbed onto the big plane that was going to take him away. He looked me right in the eyes and said, ‘I will baby.’ We said a prayer together. It was the peace that I needed in that moment.
At first, I heard nothing. In the military, they say no news is good news. That’s easier said than experienced. Then he called me! Months went by filled with video calls, text messages and care packages. I prayed for his safety daily. As the time winded down, the excitement began to grow. One day he said, ‘Life is too short babe, let’s go ahead and get married.’ He was serious. I could hear it in his voice. We had been enjoying our engagement up until then. I was taking my time planning the perfect wedding. I don’t know what he saw over there. I have never asked. We married 3 days after his return.
The wedding was beautiful. Perfect. I couldn’t have imagined it in my dreams. I’ll never forget the way he looked at me during our first look. I stretched out my freshly manicured hand and tapped his shoulder, careful not to disturb his chord. He turned around and his mouth fell open. ‘Wow, she looks like a princess!’ I felt so beautiful at that moment. The ceremony came soon after. There we stood, on top of a cliff overlooking the ocean in Southern California. Literally on top of a cliff! Soft hues of blush and rose gold surrounded us. He arranged his beret. ‘Are you ready baby?’ My smile told him everything he needed to know. We wrote our own vows. I stood at the alter holding back tears as I heard him say the words he had said so many times before. ‘Always and Forever.’ This time just felt different. People surrounded us but at that moment it was just he and I on top of that cliff. A single tear rolled down his left cheek as we took our first dance. I reached up and gently wiped it away with my thumb. Time went by too quickly but I had enjoyed every minute of it.
As we have grown together, I notice more things I love about him. Like the way the corners of his eyes wrinkle when he smiles or how he kisses me on the forehead whenever dinner is ready. He still opens all my doors and pulls out my chairs. He holds my hand no matter where we are. Most importantly, he prays for me. Every time he walks out the front door he says, ‘I love you baby.’ I respond, ‘I love you too.’ He then comes back with ‘I love you more.’ I always jokingly say, ‘You better!’ He never walks out the front door without this exchange. It brings comfort to the both of us. I always keep my faith that he’s going to walk back in.
Being married to a soldier can be emotionally difficult but I am proud to stand by his side as he serves our country. Everyday is a new adventure. Our story is still being written. It sure has been a page-turner so far and I look forward to what’s yet to come.”
Hi! I’m Sierra. If you’re visiting my site there’s a chance that you are already well aware of who I am. There’s also a chance that you haven’t the slightest clue. So many things describe me. Devoted Army wife, Loving Sister, Fur Mom. I’m just navigating through this thing called life with the people that I love and enjoying it as much as I can along the way. A little background on me. I’ve always loved writing, ever since I was a little girl. It is a passion that until this moment, I had let slip away from me. I love expressing myself through language. This is my new canvas and I absolutely cannot wait to get started! I hope you’ll join me on this journey called life and become one of my SWEETHEARTS ❤
SierraSweetheart 