Tag: sad

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My hands started shaking as I turned the wheel. This was it. The moment we had both been longing for. The moment that felt like it would never come. And then there he was…walking towards me with that smile that I loved so much. God, it was so good to see him again. Holding back tears, I allowed myself to fully breathe for the first time in months…

I stepped back and smiled, admiring the decorations that surrounded me. Hues of pink and red cascaded from the ceiling. Everything was so beautiful. It was perfect. I walked over to the couch and grabbed my phone. It was time to check the Redeployment Hotline again. My fingers dialed the number from memory. The familiar sound of the automated voice on the other end filled my ears. I quietly wondered to myself, just how many times had I called this number over the past few days?

This time was different. I replayed the message to ensure I had heard it correctly.

There was a last minute update! He would be arriving almost an hour earlier than expected! The smallest cry escaped my lips as the realization hit me.

In one smooth motion, I grabbed my purse and my car keys as I headed out the door.

Once in the car, I pulled up the GPS and said out loud ‘He’s finally home.’ It was finally time to bring him home. I met my own eyes in the mirror as I did a quick lookover. They seemed to twinkle back at me.

Red dress. I was wearing one of his favorite colors on me. Red. So bright and fiery, much like our marriage. I smiled as I thought about how much he was going to love it, and then buckled my seatbelt as I headed to get my man.

The sun was bright and the birds were chirping happily. I rolled the windows down as a light breeze filled the car and blew my hair softly in the wind. I didn’t need a feel good song playing on the radio. I was in a state of pure bliss.

Before I knew it, I had pulled up to the massive gates on base. It felt different today. My husband was behind these gates and I was here to bring him home. For a moment, my mind went back to the day I dropped him off…

‘I love you baby, see you when you get home.’ A tear crept down my cheek just as I tried to quickly turn and hide it from him. His strong but gentle hand grabbed my shoulder and stopped me. He pulled me close and rested his chin on my head as he had done so many times before. ‘It’s okay baby, it’s okay.’

I couldn’t help but smile as I thought about how long ago that now seemed. I pulled up and prepared to patiently wait. It had already been so long. What was a few more minutes?

The buses rolled in. We made a line to wave them on. Posters and pom poms flew in every direction as they disappeared farther down the road. It lasted only a few seconds. This was our official “Welcome Ceremony.” Thanks to social distancing, there would be no large gatherings or fancy programs. It had been an adjustment for all of us.

It was now time to reunite with my husband.

I drove to the meeting location and patiently waited. Almost immediately, I saw him heading my way. He seemed taller. He was a bit thinner. His eyes looked a little tired. But he was smiling at me!! He was happy!! I could’ve cried tears of joy at that moment.

We embraced immediately and shared the most passionate kiss. It was well overdue.

I couldn’t stop talking on the way home. I was so excited to update him on EVERYTHING. As we got closer, I glanced down at our hands locked together and resting between us. ‘I really missed this baby,’ he said it so low that I almost didn’t hear. I glanced over at him as he drove and quietly thanked GOD for bringing him back safely to me. Tears welled up in my eyes. I blinked them away.

We were headed to his Welcome Home Party!!

It was time for the big surprise! I quietly waited inside a life-sized box as he walked in, unaware of what was to come. He pulled it open earnestly but gently. My heart began to race as I prepared to jump out. A shower of rose petals fell between us and he flashed that smile at me once again.

We laughed and embraced and enjoyed the party. A familiar song began to play on the radio. It was the same song that had played on the night he left all those months ago. Our eyes quietly met. It felt too perfect to be a coincidence. He took me into his arms and in that moment, all was right with the world. We spoke no words for the duration of the song and slow-danced from start to finish. I could see the emotion in his eyes. When he released it, it was my turn to take him into my arms. It felt so good to be reunited.

He was safe. He was healthy. He was in my arms. He was Home.

https://youtu.be/3WxHJEZhQ3s

A Time For Healing

Posted in Beauty and the Beach, Empowerment, Life, Lifestyle, Relax and Rejuvenate, SierraTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

It was my first time returning to the beach. The last time I was here, I had my husband at my side. Hand in hand. Heart in Heart. Now I stood alone before the wide open sea. The water beckoned for me, pulling me from my thoughts. The time for healing was now...

I stepped into the ocean and allowed it to envelope me. The blue green water was clear like crystals and just as sparkly. Where had I seen this green before? It took only a moment for me to realize. His eyes! The water was green like his eyes! Clear. Welcoming. Honest. Instantly, I felt his presence. I closed mine and smiled, standing right there at the edge of the sea. Time had made me resilient. Prayer had made me stronger. My support system had made me confident.

The air was so fresh. It was almost as if the atmosphere was different. I inhaled deeply. Each breath I took seemed to make me feel more liberated. I walked along the edge where the sea met the sand. Funny how it always stopped just in time. Life could be that way. Never quite bringing more than you can handle. Coming so close that for a moment you think it might overwhelm you, then it backs away.

In the beginning, I had allowed myself a period of time for sadness. A natural emotion to be expressed. Regardless of how anyone else felt I should be acting, I knew it was important to be myself. Yes, I missed my husband. The man that I spent countless hours and days with. The man that I loved so dearly. The man that made me feel as though I could do anything. To have that suddenly ripped away from me, regardless of the fact that it would not be permanent, was destined to cause some emotions. We didn’t even get to say a proper goodbye. Of course I was sad.

That was in the beginning. Now, I was ready to heal. What better place than the wide open sea? The place where everything had started? I had always felt so free at the beach. The sun was shining bright in the sky. Children were laughing and splashing in the water nearby. I almost didn’t realize that I was still standing there smiling. Things were looking up.

I had spoken to my husband. I had developed a strong routine. I had visited with family and gotten enough support to last a lifetime. I had leaned on my faith and left the rest to GOD. The initial shock had passed. I wanted to be strong for him, for me. I needed to. I looked back at the ocean and smiled. I was ready to tell my story.

More Than Just a Day at the Beach

Posted in Life, Lifestyle, Marriage, Military, Military LifeTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

‘Wanna swing by the beach baby?’ He looked over at me with a smile. ‘Sure! It looks so nice out. We’ll just stop for a little while.’ We turned at the stoplight and parked. He opened my door and I climbed out of the car, stopping only to briefly change from sandals to flip flops. It almost seemed deserted. Barely any people. Just the way we liked it. We walked hand in hand towards the sand. We were definitely going to be here for more than just a little while…

2020. It was a new year. A new decade. So many plans. It’s crazy how life has this way of surprising you. I remember posting a photo on our social media with the caption ‘Excited to bring in a new year happy and together…’ At the time, I had no idea that my husband would soon be unexpectedly deployed. Hours notice, that’s all we got.

I remember the day we spent at the beach. It was such a perfect day. The sun was peeking from behind the clouds, providing the perfect amount of warmth and shade. It was deserted that day. We walked right up and got front row seats to the amazing sunset. ‘So beautiful.’ He and I had whispered that at the same time. ‘Yes, you are.’ I looked over at him. I had been talking about the sunset. He had been talking about me.

Oh my goodness. Why was I blushing??

I sometimes look back at the photos we took that day and smile. Such fond memories. We were blessed to have that special time together. It was so much more than just a day at the beach.

Deployed.

Posted in Life, Lifestyle, Marriage, Military, Military LifeTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

No one tells you this part. Even if they did, they couldn’t possibly prepare you for it. How much it hurts when you watch him walk away into the unknown. The feeling you get in your stomach each time you have dinner alone…

I turned the key and let out a deep sigh as I entered our home. The familiar smell of pecan brownies filled the air. Warm, inviting. A little white ball of fur came bolting down the hallway. Our dog, Noelle. She looked past me towards the door, looking for her daddy. Her hero. I looked away, holding back tears. For a minute I pretended that I didn’t see, hoping she’d quickly go on about her day. But we had anticipated this. I reached into my bag for one of her favorite treats. The ones she always went crazy for. ‘Mmmmm,’ I loudly said and placed it on the ground where she sat. As I hung my coat, I snuck a peek over at her. She had settled down right there. The treat was untouched. I should have known. A treat versus her daddy? He’d win every time. There she sat, staring intently at the door. Tail down. Ears up. Listening for his footsteps. ‘Come on Noelle baby, daddy will come a little later.’ I could barely get the words out knowing the truth. How does one tell a dog about these things?

For an hour, I watched her. Loyal. Patient. Perking up at every sound she heard. Tears silently rolled down my cheeks as I picked her up and carried her back down the hallway. It was so quiet in the house. Though I wore only socks, my footsteps seemed to pound in my ears. Each one louder than the one before. I sat down cross-legged on the floor and balanced her on my lap. She crawled right out of my arms and into her little bed. ‘Daddy will be home soon,’ I told her.

I glanced at my bible, still open on the bedside table. I had prayed. We had prayed. I was confident in the direction we had received. But why did I still feel so sad? ‘Because you love your husband and you’re human,’ I told myself out loud.

I headed into the kitchen to prepare for dinner and stopped dead in my tracks as my eyes landed on the sink. I had made his favorite right before dropping him off. His plate was still sitting there. Traces of brown gravy lingered on the smooth white porcelain. A mere hour earlier, he had been enjoying his meal at the dining room table, thanking me with a smile for making his favorite. I swore in that moment I could almost feel him. My phone vibrated and shook me from my thoughts. Why was it so loud? ‘How’s it going?’ It was my sister checking in on me. My thumbs quickly drafted a response and shot it back to her. ‘Doing great! Gonna call soon!’ I didn’t want her to worry. I didn’t want her to call. I didn’t want to cry.

I made too much food. Going from dinner for two to party of one had proven to be a little more difficult than I had expected. My eyes darted to that spot on the couch. His favorite spot. The one he loved to settle into after a long day at work. I loved seeing him sit there. Relaxed and content. Offering assistance if needed but otherwise waiting for the notification that dinner was complete. Usually around this time he’d smile at me as I made our plates and tell me that he loved me. A gentle forehead kiss always came soon after. Suddenly, I had no appetite. My eyes filled with tears. I angrily wiped them away as I sat to have my meal, irritated with the fact that I had become so emotional. He will be back. This was always a part of our lives. We had been here before. But this time was just so unexpected. So different.

I had to be strong, but I missed my husband…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUueZOKM4Eo

Our Love Story

Posted in Beauty and the Beach, Get to Know Me, Lifestyle, Marriage, Military, Military Life, Storytime, UncategorizedTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

“Standing there in the crowded university cafeteria, I shifted my books from one arm to the other, looking for a seat. In he came, with his dark brown hair neatly styled and his polo shirt tucked into his khakis. A familiar smile came over his face as he spotted me. I knew him from work. I guess I had never noticed before, but he was actually quite handsome. He waved as he approached me and said, ‘Are you trying to find a seat? We’ll probably get a table faster if we sit together.’ There was the slightest hint of a twinkle in his deep green eyes. He would later admit to me how proud he was of this ‘smooth’ line. We had lunch together that day. It became a regular thing. Two associates from work hanging out at school. Nothing more. Things went a step further when he friend requested me on Facebook. We would chat online for hours. He confided in me about girls and I confided in him about guys. We became fast friends. One day he said, ‘Hey, why don’t we hang out?’ I smiled and agreed. He picked me up, held my hand in the car and paid for the meal. It was definitely a date.

He showed up at my house a few days later with a single multicolored rose. It was storming outside and the rain was coming down sideways. There he was standing at my front door. ‘Will you be my girlfriend?’ He was so nervous. ‘Of course I will!’ I exclaimed. We hugged and shared the most romantic kiss. From that moment on, we celebrated every milestone. 1 month. 2 months. Half a year. People would roll their eyes but we didn’t care! Time went on and we grew closer. We fell deeper in love.

The proposal was perfect. It started with a limousine ride and a rooftop view of the river. He really spoiled me that day. Balloons, glitter, and candles filled the room as he walked me in to the rhythm of John Legend’s You and I. Tears filled my eyes as I took in the beautiful lyrics and the romantic atmosphere. While we were having dinner, he had enlisted the help of my sister to create a scene straight out of a fairytale. ‘It’s so beautiful,’ I whispered. He responded, also in a whisper, ‘You’re so beautiful.’ Then he dropped down to one knee.

After college he left to serve, just as his grandfather had before him. I stayed behind and began my work as a nurse. I still remember the last night we spent together before he shipped out. It was a freezing cold winter night. One of those nights where snow was welcomed but had not yet arrived. Cuddled there next to him on the couch he reached down and grabbed my hand. He whispered, ‘I sure am gonna miss you baby,’ to which I responded in a barely audible voice, ‘I’ll miss you too.’ They were the first words we had spoken in hours. I almost didn’t notice the tear roll down my cheek, had it not landed on my lips and startled me with its saltiness. He pulled me closer and I looked up at him. His eyes. They were filling up. I quickly looked away, not wanting him to know that I’d seen the tears.

So we sat in our embrace. Silent. Both aware that everything was about to change.

I dropped him off at MEPS the next morning. I proudly stood there as he said his oath and then gladly opened my arms for what they called ‘one last hug.’ I didn’t want to let go. I took in everything. The feeling of his arms around my waist. The smell of his aftershave. His chin resting on the top of my head. That familiar comfort that I’d come to know and love. Then I heard ‘Time’s Up!’ The words cut me like a knife as I reluctantly released my grip. I watched him as he left the room. I think I might have been okay had he not turned around and mouthed to me, ‘I Love You,’ just as he rounded the corner. And then he was gone. I lost it. Not wanting anyone to see me in my moment of weakness, I zoomed from the room and opted to take the stairs as opposed to the crowded elevator. I had to use the guardrail to get down them. I could barely see through my tears. My car was my refuge at that time. I don’t remember just how long I sat there but at some point I gathered myself and drove home. It was time to be strong.

Basic training was tough but I smiled every time I opened my mailbox to that familiar handwriting. There was something special about the way he wrote my name. ‘I need to go by the post office first.’ I must have said that a million times while he was away. We wrote so many letters back and forth that there was one in the mailbox almost every day. I think that helped a lot. I poured my emotions into my letters, being careful not to include anything that may have caused him to worry or be concerned. His training was in phases, each one harder than the one before. As we approached the last phase, he wrote, ‘mentally it may get a little difficult really soon.’ He seemed positive but a little unsure of what the future was going to hold. The same day I received that letter, I got online and printed out what must have been hundreds of motivational quotes. Such big words on such small pieces of paper. Hope. Positivity. I filled the envelopes with them and ended each letter with four simple words. ‘You got this babe.’ He later told me that helped him make it through.


And then graduation came and went. It literally felt that quick.

I still remember the first time I spotted him. Standing there in his full uniform. Handsome. Rugged. He looked so different but…his eyes. His eyes were the same gentle ones that I had come to know and love so much. I knew the exact moment that he spotted me too. He smiled at me with his eyes. Watching him graduate and conquer his goals, I was so proud. I told him so. I ran right up to him and as we embraced, I whispered, ‘I’m so proud of you babe.’ He just tightened his grip and I felt his body shake. Silent tears. ‘I love you so much baby,’ were the only words he said. He had missed me too.

Our celebration was short lived. He deployed merely months later. I wept when he told me.

Deployment day arrived. As I hugged him, the cool metal of his dog tags pressed against my cheek. I said through tears, ‘You better come back safely to me!’ before he climbed onto the big plane that was going to take him away. He looked me right in the eyes and said, ‘I will baby.’ We said a prayer together. It was the peace that I needed in that moment.

At first, I heard nothing. In the military, they say no news is good news. That’s easier said than experienced. Then he called me! Months went by filled with video calls, text messages and care packages. I prayed for his safety daily. As the time winded down, the excitement began to grow. One day he said, ‘Life is too short babe, let’s go ahead and get married.’ He was serious. I could hear it in his voice. We had been enjoying our engagement up until then. I was taking my time planning the perfect wedding. I don’t know what he saw over there. I have never asked. We married 3 days after his return.

The wedding was beautiful. Perfect. I couldn’t have imagined it in my dreams. I’ll never forget the way he looked at me during our first look. I stretched out my freshly manicured hand and tapped his shoulder, careful not to disturb his chord. He turned around and his mouth fell open. ‘Wow, she looks like a princess!’ I felt so beautiful at that moment. The ceremony came soon after. There we stood, on top of a cliff overlooking the ocean in Southern California. Literally on top of a cliff! Soft hues of blush and rose gold surrounded us. He arranged his beret. ‘Are you ready baby?’ My smile told him everything he needed to know. We wrote our own vows. I stood at the alter holding back tears as I heard him say the words he had said so many times before. ‘Always and Forever.’ This time just felt different. People surrounded us but at that moment it was just he and I on top of that cliff. A single tear rolled down his left cheek as we took our first dance. I reached up and gently wiped it away with my thumb. Time went by too quickly but I had enjoyed every minute of it.

As we have grown together, I notice more things I love about him. Like the way the corners of his eyes wrinkle when he smiles or how he kisses me on the forehead whenever dinner is ready. He still opens all my doors and pulls out my chairs. He holds my hand no matter where we are. Most importantly, he prays for me. Every time he walks out the front door he says, ‘I love you baby.’ I respond, ‘I love you too.’ He then comes back with ‘I love you more.’ I always jokingly say, ‘You better!’ He never walks out the front door without this exchange. It brings comfort to the both of us. I always keep my faith that he’s going to walk back in.

Being married to a soldier can be emotionally difficult but I am proud to stand by his side as he serves our country. Everyday is a new adventure. Our story is still being written. It sure has been a page-turner so far and I look forward to what’s yet to come.”

As featured on LoveWhatMatters.com

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjhJ9Pz0srA