"God is within her, she will not fail." Psalm 46:5
Have you ever watched a dream, just slip away…
Dusk into dawn, night into day.
Have you ever had a vision, vanish into thin air…
Smile all the while, pretend you don’t care.
Have you ever felt the shatter of a desire so deep…
Long nights you weep, the secrets you keep.
Have you ever?
A new dream. A new vision. A brand new day…
Head bowed, eyes closed, begin to pray…
Oh please, Oh please, please don’t let it slip away.
I slowly opened my eyes and was immediately met by his gaze. For a moment we just stared at each other in silence. Finally, I smiled and asked him ‘How long have you been watching me?’ He didn’t give an answer, only smiled in return…
I rolled over onto my back and looked out of the window. The sun was shining bright through the blinds. It had to be at least 10 o’clock.
We had slept in.
Memories of the night before flooded my mind. We stayed up all night laughing and talking and just enjoying each other’s company. It had truly been a wonderful night.
The warmth of his hand grabbing mine broke me from my thoughts. ‘Stay in bed baby, I’ll get us some breakfast going and we can enjoy it together.’ He flashed that killer smile at me and headed towards the kitchen.
I propped myself up on my elbows and watched him as he worked. Quiet, yet diligent. Out of nowhere, he stopped and glanced at me. A sly grin crept across his face. ‘Alexa, play…’ Suddenly, music spilled into every room of our home. He was dancing and swaying to the music while I held back my laugh. This was what happiness felt like.
Outside, the world was not so happy.
My eyes landed on the papers stacked on the bedside table. “‘MANDATORY 14 DAY QUARANTINE’ They were my husband’s official orders. We were home and enjoying special time together, but we were in quarantine. The world was in a state of what could only be explained as pure chaos. I shifted my gaze from the papers to my husband, who was now loudly singing to our puppy as he prepared bacon.
Regardless of the circumstances, I was blessed to be spending so much time with the love of my life. I threw my legs over the side of the bed and headed up the hallway, eager to join in on the fun. This was going to be a long couple of weeks and I planned on enjoying every minute. I had never been more excited to be in lockdown.
My phone dinged again. I looked down at it just in time to see the notification for a new comment disappear and be replaced with another. I smiled. Our YouTube family. A huge unit comprised of mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins and more…from all over the world. Standing in our corner. It was amazing. It was inspiring…
I was worried and I was scared. I wanted to reach out to our online family to let them know what was going on. They had become a big part of our lives and we shared many aspects of it with them. Many had already started to ask questions. I wanted to include them in this huge moment.
I stared at my phone in my hand and almost changed my mind. My finger shakily pressed the button before I did. In a moment, I would be live. Who would see this? I had no clue. I tried to pull myself together as people started to appear. Someone asked ‘What’s wrong Sierra?’ and I lost it. Tears caught me by surprise as they spilled from both eyes.
I became angry at myself. I was here for a reason. To inform them of what was going on. I could barely get the words out. ‘Sean has been deployed.’ I said it through tears. I felt so vulnerable, but these people loved us so much. They were our family. The outpouring of support was almost immediate. I confided in them. Talking slowly and covering one point at a time. I told them as much as I could without compromising the safety of my husband and his unit. I asked for prayers. I wanted all the prayers that I could get and I smiled as they started sending them immediately. It felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. There was power in prayer. There was safety in numbers. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so alone.
The comments came in from everywhere. One behind the other. Heartfelt messages filled with concern flooded our DMs. I felt so much love. I wrote down every scripture. Agreed with every prayer. Accepted every well wish. I felt covered from all angles.
We now had an army standing in our corner.
I was so grateful. I am still so grateful. Some of my toughest times were in the beginning. Everything was a blur. Tensions were high. Heading into the unknown, we were all scared. ALL of us. I had my faith. I had my family. At the time, I didn’t realize that I had even more.
I love you guys so much.
From the bottom of my heart, Thank you.
It was my first time returning to the beach. The last time I was here, I had my husband at my side. Hand in hand. Heart in Heart. Now I stood alone before the wide open sea. The water beckoned for me, pulling me from my thoughts. The time for healing was now...
I stepped into the ocean and allowed it to envelope me. The blue green water was clear like crystals and just as sparkly. Where had I seen this green before? It took only a moment for me to realize. His eyes! The water was green like his eyes! Clear. Welcoming. Honest. Instantly, I felt his presence. I closed mine and smiled, standing right there at the edge of the sea. Time had made me resilient. Prayer had made me stronger. My support system had made me confident.
The air was so fresh. It was almost as if the atmosphere was different. I inhaled deeply. Each breath I took seemed to make me feel more liberated. I walked along the edge where the sea met the sand. Funny how it always stopped just in time. Life could be that way. Never quite bringing more than you can handle. Coming so close that for a moment you think it might overwhelm you, then it backs away.
In the beginning, I had allowed myself a period of time for sadness. A natural emotion to be expressed. Regardless of how anyone else felt I should be acting, I knew it was important to be myself. Yes, I missed my husband. The man that I spent countless hours and days with. The man that I loved so dearly. The man that made me feel as though I could do anything. To have that suddenly ripped away from me, regardless of the fact that it would not be permanent, was destined to cause some emotions. We didn’t even get to say a proper goodbye. Of course I was sad.
That was in the beginning. Now, I was ready to heal. What better place than the wide open sea? The place where everything had started? I had always felt so free at the beach. The sun was shining bright in the sky. Children were laughing and splashing in the water nearby. I almost didn’t realize that I was still standing there smiling. Things were looking up.
I had spoken to my husband. I had developed a strong routine. I had visited with family and gotten enough support to last a lifetime. I had leaned on my faith and left the rest to GOD. The initial shock had passed. I wanted to be strong for him, for me. I needed to. I looked back at the ocean and smiled. I was ready to tell my story.
I looked over at him and smiled, he smiled back and gave my hand a gentle squeeze. We had waited so long for this moment. An intimate little getaway for just the two of us. I gazed out of the window at the palm trees as I happily made plans in my head for the remainder of our trip. ‘We’ll visit the islands, have a romantic picnic…’ The sound of his phone pulled me from my thoughts. It was going off like crazy. I looked over at his face and the smile slowly faded from mine…
What seemed like a million fireworks rang out, beautifully illuminating the night sky. Through the window, I followed a glimpse of blue with my eyes until it disappeared over the lake, gone forever. I shifted my attention to you, trying to decipher the look on your face. Your eyes were focused on the task at hand. Jaw tight in concentration. You seemed to be lost in thought. What were you thinking? My eyes lingered for a moment.
Until you caught me looking at you.
Your features immediately softened. A smile crept across your lips. It was sad, almost apologetic as you asked me ‘You all packed, babe?’ I looked down at the bag in front me and didn’t recognize it as my own. The usually neatly folded, organized by color and style clothing had been quickly stacked and mixed amongst other belongings. ‘Yes baby,’ I said, unable to look back up at you. They were coming again. The tears. Holding them back took everything in me but I was determined.
Determined to be strong.
I needed you. Your country needed you more.
God is within her, she will not fail.
— Psalms 46:5
Real. Raw. Unapologetic.
This is my story. In my Words. Laugh with me. Cry with me. Hear my thoughts. Feel my emotions. Experience the world through my eyes. Get to know me. Truly know me. Welcome to my world, Sweethearts ❤ xo-Sierra
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